Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pregnant Military Officer High on Cold Meds Seeks High-Paying Executive-Level Position

I've finally figured it out! I now know exactly who I am and what I aspire to be!!!

I know.  I know.  Now I've just made you feel downright envious. You've spent years in therapy. You've had all-night drinking binges with your friends. You've engaged in deep discussions with your significant other. You've asked the advise of perfect strangers in grocery stores, bars and public restrooms. You've traced your genealogy looking for a genetic answer. You've paid thousands of dollars to your psychic advisor.....  All in a desperate attempt to figure out just who you are and what you are destined to become.

Look no further! I have cracked the code to self discovery and it's quite simple...

You see, advertisers have spent millions (dare I say billions?) of dollars watching and profiling each and every one of us. That way, they are sure to get their marketing messages succinctly delivered to those of us most likely to buy their products. So... for one day, simply keep a log of all the ads that pop up when moving about the internet. Once you have the log, do a simple interpretation and, presto, you will now know exactly who you are!!!

Allow me to demonstrate...
Here are the ads presented to me so far today: * Netflix * 100k Jobs-The Ladders * Robitussin * Lucky Charms & Cocoa Puffs * In the Motherhood * Vicks Nyquil * Save up to 75% on Cruises * American Express * US Air Force * Experian: What's Your Credit Score? * 1-Hour Facials * Hot Shoes. Just $39.95 * 3 Veggies for a Flat Belly * Transunion - Get your Free Credit Score * The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints * Jenny Craig - Lose 20 lbs for $20 * - Hollywood Gossip News * Vaseline Aloe Fresh *

I am a pregnant military officer who enjoys indulging in celebrity gossip, watching movies and eating cereal while doped up on over-the-counter cold meds. I'm looking for a better, higher-paying job that will allow me the luxury to cruise the Caribbean, making stops in fabulous European cities and flashing my Amex card to buy shoes and get facials. But, alas, there are signs that all is not well in my little slice of paradise... my credit seems to have gone down the shitter because I spend well beyond my means (in anticipation of that high-paying job) and my belly is getting fat (and probably my ass too) presumably from eating all those Cocoa Puffs. It is advised that I take a moment to sit back and contemplate a change in religious beliefs while slathering moisturizer on my legs in anticipation of how great they will look this summer as a result of my new diet regime.

See how simple that is??? The only thing that would have made it more accurate is a few alcohol related ads.

OK... Now it's your turn to get on your path to self discovery! Get your ass out there and start logging.

Need help with your interpretation? No problem! Just send me your log. I'd be happy to provide my intrepretation.

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