Saturday, December 17, 2016

Am I The Only One...


... who finds Christmas shopping a lot easier after bottomless mimosas?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Annoying Home Problems, Easy DIY Fixes

Today I received an email titled "Annoying Home Problems, Easy DIY Fixes". 

It was with eagerness, anticipation and great excitement that I quickly opened the email. 

Imagine my extreme disappointment when I found they hadn't even included children as a top "annoying home problem". 

What a let down.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Why I Can't Get Anything Done

Working on a project at the computer.  Have to go to the bathroom.  Walk into the bathroom and notice through the window that the pool is sloshing around more than usual.  Think to myself.. "I wonder if those ducks from last year are back in the swimming pool again."

Grab my coffee cup and head downstairs to see if ducks are in the pool (coffee refill and duck check at the same time, aren't I the efficient one?)  Get downstairs and look at the pool. No ducks but lots of air bubbling out of the blow holes (I don't know what they are called). Not normal.  Better see what's wrong.

Crap, the pool sweep tried to eat the thermometer, the string is stuck in the wheelie-thing and the sweep can't move. Go turn off the pump so I can pull the sweep out of the pool.  Pull the sweep out but can't get the string and thermometer unstuck. Frustrated.

Oh Geez, look how bad the pool looks. There's algae everywhere. Better sweep down the sides and stairs before it gets worse.  Get the brush and begin sweeping. Yuck, lots of algae coming off and making the water a murky green color.

Duck down under tree during the sweeping process and hit my butt on the palm tree. Dry leafy stuff falls off the tree, drops down the back of my shorts and ends up in my panties.  Five minute diversion trying to get the scratchy stuff out of my britches.  Back to sweeping the pool walls.

Oh look, one of the vines on that plant by the fence has wrapped itself around the lounge chair.  Detach the vine and carefully wrap it around the fence slats where it belongs. That's better.  Back to the pool walls.

Oh crap. Lost my footing. I'm going to fall in. Whew. Thank god I had the brush to steady myself.
OK. Done with the pool walls.

Let me take a look at that sweep again. Nope still can't get the string out.  Eeeww. Now the pool is really murky from sweeping the algae off the sides.  Really need to have the pump running to filter the water. Pool guy is coming today. Don't want him to think we are slackers.

Unplug the sweep and turn the pump back on. No pressure in the system. One of the pumps not working.  Shit. Shit. Shit.  Screw around with pump, filters and waterfall for 10 minutes trying to get it to work.  Open value, close value. Pump on. Pump off. Waterfall on. Waterfall off. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.  Give up and go inside. Why did I think I could fix it anyway?

Refill my coffee cup.  Look in pantry for food.  Nothing looks good.  Look in fridge for food.  Nothing looks good.

Go back upstairs. Oops, left my coffee cup downstairs. Go back down and retrieve it.  Back upstairs at my desk. Sit down to get back to work.  Feel scratchy stuff on my butt again. Apparently I didn't get all the leaves out of my panties.  Second attempt at removal of scratchy stuff. Got it all this time.

Sit back down to get back to work.  Stare at the computer. What the hell was I working on? I can't remember.

Hmmmm....... I wonder if the mail has come yet?

Monday, March 26, 2012

How to Get a Teenager to Do Homework

STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS: HOW TO GET YOUR TEENAGE CHILD TO DO HIS HOMEWORK

ACTION:  Immediately after school.... Offer your child a snack and a gentle reminder that he needs to get his homework done.
REACTION:  Child eats his snack then spends 10-15 minutes looking for more food.  His attempts are unsuccessful, however, because none of the food jumps out of the refrigerator completely assembled and ready to eat.  Child goes to the bathroom.  Child changes his clothes.  Child gets the mail.  Child sits down on the couch and pulls his books out of his backpack.  Child notices the TV remote control on the couch next to him. Child turns on the TV and begins watching Tosh .O on Comedy Central.

ACTION:  After finding your child watching TV instead of doing homework.... Calmly turn off the TV and take away the remote.  Remind your child it's important for him to get good grades in high school so he can get into a good college.
REACTION:  Child refocuses on the books that he pulled from his backpack.  Child realizes he has no paper.  Child goes to the desk to retrieve some paper.  "Oh look... I have an email from my friend Sharkbite.  It's a link to a really funny YouTube video about a singing hamster."  Child clicks the link and watches the humorous video.  While there, YouTube generously offers him an extensive list of other videos he may find interesting.

ACTION:  After finding your child watching his 15th YouTube video.... Firmly remind him that getting a good education will really pay-off later in life.  Turn off the computer.  Disconnect the keyboard and mouse and take them with you.  Give him a stern look as you leave the room.
REACTION:  Child gets the paper he originally went to the desk for.  Child returns to the couch.  Child digs through his backpack looking for a pencil.  While digging, child finds his phone.  "I was wondering where I left that."  Child is overwhelmed by his own popularity.... 12 text messages, 20 facebook "likes", and numerous tweets about his awesomeness.  Because you raised him well, child realizes it would be rude not to answer his fans and he begins the important process of responding.

ACTION:  After finding your child (an hour since your last visit) sitting on the couch facebooking, texting, skyping, tweeting and playing Draw Something simultaneously.... Remind him he will not be allowed to live at home until he is 40.  In fact, he may not even make it to 40 at this rate. Calmly take his phone, walk to the bathroom and plunge it into the toilet.
REACTION:  Child runs to the bathroom and grabs the phone from the toilet bowl.  Child runs to the kitchen, fills a baggie full of rice and drops his phone in.  (Note: This is probably the most physical activity your child has gotten all day.  Feel proud of yourself for encouraging it).  Child says a silent prayer asking God to resurrect his phone so he doesn't become a social outcast.  Child turns and gives you the death glare while mumbling incoherent words that sound similar to "twitch" and "glass hole".  Child sits back down on the couch, opens his math book, picks up his pencil and begins doing his homework.  Child knows you are still there watching, treating him like a 1st grader.

ACTION:  Take a moment to pat yourself on the back for your superior parenting skills. It's only been 2 hours and your child is now doing his homework.  Linger for a short time longer just to show him who's in charge and to make sure it's not a trick. 
REACTION:  Child sits and does his homework while intently listening to your breathing behind him.  Child finally hears you leave the room.  Child's begins to feel tired because he stayed up very late playing the new release of Assassin's Creed on Xbox.

ACTION:  After finding your child asleep on the couch with a small amount of drool escaping from the corner of his mouth, dirty socks on the floor, homework paper crinkled and stuffed between the cushion and the remaining contents of his backpack scattered across the coffee table.... Walk to the garage.  Get in your car.  Drive to the closest establishment offering happy hour specials. Give the bartender your car keys and a fifty dollar bill.  Drink until the bartender asks you to leave and calls you a cab.  When you get home, mumble something at your child that sounds like "twitch" and "glass hole" on the way to your room.  Go to sleep knowing you tried your best.
REACTION:  Child can't believe what an idiot you are.  Child can't believe you left without feeding him dinner.  Child hopes none of his friends saw you out drinking.  Child reminds himself he can't wait to move out after he graduates just to get away from you.  Child remembers he needs to do his homework if he hopes to graduate.  Child completes the day's homework.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Things I Learned in Kona

  1. Before leaving your home, always remind your daughter it's not a good idea to go through airport security with a 2-sided fishing knife in your purse. They may think it's a dagger which, apparently, is a federal felony.
  2. It takes about 12 hours to circle the Big Island of Hawaii, stopping to admire coastal views, waterfalls, volcanos and tropical flowers.
  3. 12-year-old boys can only appreciate coastal views, waterfalls, volcanos and tropical flowers for about 3-4 hours.
  4. $11 Mai Tai's can cause a grown man to put little drink umbrellas behind his ears and grown woman to claim that a jacuzzi will melt her skin off.  This is followed by memory loss.
  5. If you leave food on the lanai for wild cats, there's a good chance you'll be awakened several times during the night to (a) hungry cats fighting over the food, or (b) full cats getting their groove thing on.  It's difficult to tell the difference just from the sound.
  6. It's very cool to have turtles swimming around your feet in ocean.
  7. Sitting in your rented mini van, watching youtube videos on you phone while you wait for your child with poor planning skills to complete her SAT test, is not the best use of your precious vacation time in Hawaii.

Things I Learned in Florida

  1. 5 teenagers will never completely agree on anything.  Never.  Not even once.  Nada.  Nil.
  2. Looking at a dried up piece of steak on a dirty plate for five days apparently doesn't bother some people.
  3. If you try really hard you can fit 15 pairs of shoes and your clothes into a single suitcase for a one-week trip... then scatter them about the living area for others to trip over.
  4. Frequent visits to the Tiki Bar and Jacuzzi makes 7 people living in 3 small rooms much more bearable.
  5. Never leave your husband alone with the boys to cook dinner while you take the girls shopping.  You'll come back to brunt lasagna, missing boys and a drunk husband.
  6. It's more fun to spend other people's money. Unfortunately, mine is the "other people's money" that some people like to spent.
  7. Everyone in Florida is from New Jersey.
  8. It frickin rains a lot. Fortunately, I am perfectly capable of drinking in the rain.
  9. No, someone didn't forget to flush the toilet. That's the natural color of the water.
  10. Apparently there is more leg room in the 3rd seating row of a rental van that the 2nd one.  At least according to the annoying people who like to fight over such things.
  11. The ideal souvenier for a 15 year-old boy is a t-shirt with a smiley face that says "I Love Boobies".

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pregnant Military Officer High on Cold Meds Seeks High-Paying Executive-Level Position

I've finally figured it out! I now know exactly who I am and what I aspire to be!!!

I know.  I know.  Now I've just made you feel downright envious. You've spent years in therapy. You've had all-night drinking binges with your friends. You've engaged in deep discussions with your significant other. You've asked the advise of perfect strangers in grocery stores, bars and public restrooms. You've traced your genealogy looking for a genetic answer. You've paid thousands of dollars to your psychic advisor.....  All in a desperate attempt to figure out just who you are and what you are destined to become.

Look no further! I have cracked the code to self discovery and it's quite simple...

You see, advertisers have spent millions (dare I say billions?) of dollars watching and profiling each and every one of us. That way, they are sure to get their marketing messages succinctly delivered to those of us most likely to buy their products. So... for one day, simply keep a log of all the ads that pop up when moving about the internet. Once you have the log, do a simple interpretation and, presto, you will now know exactly who you are!!!

Allow me to demonstrate...
Here are the ads presented to me so far today: * Netflix * 100k Jobs-The Ladders * Robitussin * Lucky Charms & Cocoa Puffs * In the Motherhood * Vicks Nyquil * Save up to 75% on Cruises * American Express * US Air Force * Experian: What's Your Credit Score? * 1-Hour Facials * Hot Shoes. Just $39.95 * 3 Veggies for a Flat Belly * Transunion - Get your Free Credit Score * The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints * Jenny Craig - Lose 20 lbs for $20 * www.sleekgossip.com - Hollywood Gossip News * Vaseline Aloe Fresh *

Therefore...
I am a pregnant military officer who enjoys indulging in celebrity gossip, watching movies and eating cereal while doped up on over-the-counter cold meds. I'm looking for a better, higher-paying job that will allow me the luxury to cruise the Caribbean, making stops in fabulous European cities and flashing my Amex card to buy shoes and get facials. But, alas, there are signs that all is not well in my little slice of paradise... my credit seems to have gone down the shitter because I spend well beyond my means (in anticipation of that high-paying job) and my belly is getting fat (and probably my ass too) presumably from eating all those Cocoa Puffs. It is advised that I take a moment to sit back and contemplate a change in religious beliefs while slathering moisturizer on my legs in anticipation of how great they will look this summer as a result of my new diet regime.

See how simple that is??? The only thing that would have made it more accurate is a few alcohol related ads.

OK... Now it's your turn to get on your path to self discovery! Get your ass out there and start logging.

Need help with your interpretation? No problem! Just send me your log. I'd be happy to provide my intrepretation.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I'm Just Like Annette Freaking Funicello

So I'm looking back through some old pre-relationship photos and come across a picture of me in Mexico surrounded by a group of hotties at the beach club Papas & Beer, a thought struck me... Annette Funicello and I are like freaking soul sisters. The similarities are really quite remarkable...
  1. She hung out on beaches with muscle-bound guys... I hang out on beaches and stalk muscle-bound guys (well I used to before I met my hunky guy)
  2. She was a mouseketeer... I was a sunflower girl.
  3. She was a famous Hollywood starlet... I will be a famous Hollywood starlet as soon as those dumb-asses in Hollywood figure out how great I am.
  4. She has millions of fans that still admire her... I have my Wyatt, my kids, my parents & my friend that admire (ok, tolerate) me.
  5. She looked great in a bikini... I have a bikini.
  6. Walt Disney once asked her to wear a one-piece instead of a bikini in her beach movies to preserve her virginal image... a stranger once asked me not to wear a bikini on the beach to preserve the happiness of others (OK, I made that up but it could still happen).
  7. She dated a shaggy dog... OK, I have to draw the line somewhere.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Things I Learned in Dominican Republic

  1. Consumption of too many Mai Tai's may result in removal of one's bikini top while sunning on a white sandy beach (so as not to be shunned by the European tourists, of course).
  2. Consumption of too many Rum & Coke's may cause one's boyfriend to say "I love you more right now than I did when we got here!!!" immediately after witnessing said bikini top removal.
  3. If you're being seated for dinner and realize your boyfriend has disappeared somewhere between the hostess station and your table, listen for bongo drums. He may have stopped to join the roving musicians to sing "Stand By Me" while playing the bongo's at someone's table.
  4. Monkey's can be trained to hump people's ears on command.
  5. Avoid eating Dominican hamburger. It doesn't seem to have the same ingredients you might be accustomed to. (meow?? woof woof??)
  6. Be careful who you talk to at the bar. You could end up having dinner with a teary-eyed woman from Boston who had a fight with her boyfriend and just needs to "let it out".
  7. If you tip the guy that picks up glasses on beach, he will bring you a fresh cocktails before the last one's even gone. (Note: this could lead to public nudity - see above)
  8. Saying to yourself on the first day of a Carribean vacation, "I think I'll see how today goes without the sunblock", is just plain STUPID.
  9. It's possible to jump out of a boat in the Caribbean ocean a mile off-shore, stand-up (with your head still above water) and have someone hand you a Rum & Coke.
  10. Dominican discos are just getting started around midnight and keep on going until about 4am. A really great thing.... unless your room is located directly above.
  11. Paying for the all inclusive package creates a mad desire to "get your money's worth". Not a bad thing unless, of course, the food sucks. Thus, the only way to achieve your mission is through beverage consumption.
  12. Domincan bartenders have no idea what a Long Island Iced Tea is. They will, however, mix up a bunch of shit and tell you it's a Long Island Iced Tea.
  13. Old guys from Florida do not look good in banana hammocks... neither do old guys from Germany... neither do middle-aged guys from Canada... or young guys from Italy. Oh hell, just don't freakin wear them. OK fellas?
  14. You might feel a little dense after withdrawing 500 pesos from the ATM to do a little shopping then realize it's only worth about 14 bucks.
  15. The Dominican people are warm & friendly... so long as you treat them with the kindness & respect you would expect for yourself.

Monday, January 12, 2009

VooDoo Doughnuts - What Every Town Needs

I was recently locked in a conference room deeply engrossed in a discussion about something very, very important (I'd share but I can't remember). I was surrounded by a group of intelligent but equally disheartened collegues, trying desperately to avoid frightening everyone with the sound of my head crashing to the table in slumber, when I finally heard someone utter those beautiful words that make every meeting worthwhile -- "I think we whould take a 20 minute bio break". Thank fucking god!!!!

I didn't actually need to use the "bio facilities" so I decided grab a cup of coffee and mill around the conference room to stretch my legs. Incidentally, this is best part of all meetings, not because you can go pee if you need to but because people talk about the most random shit during these breaks. It was this day that I learned about a place called VooDoo Doughnuts in Portland.

I think it started with someone saying they sure could use a Nyquil glazed doughnut. A what??????? Why, yes it's true, there is a little doughnut shop in Portland that offers Nyquil glazed Pepto-Bismo doughnuts. Mmmmm Mmmmmm Good. Of course this warranted an immediate break-time visit to the VooDoo Doughnut website. Sure enough, the smart fellas did indeed invent the Nyquil glazed doughnut. Unfortunately it's currently on hold (I'll bet those fuckers from the FDA had something to do with that). Fortunately, there are numerous other tasty morsels available:
  • The Infamous Voodoo Doughnut
  • The Dirt Doughnut
  • Triple Chocolate Penetration
  • The Dirty Snowball
  • Cock-n-Balls (a bachlorette party favorite)
  • The No Name Doughnut (for those who can't remember shit anyway)
A further perusing of the website revealed more delicious fun:
  • The Annual Cockfest in which local boys get to see how many doughnuts they can stack on their dick every spring. I wonder it they have to eat them afterwards to qualify???
  • The Tex-Ass Challenge - eat a doughnut as big as the state of Tex-ass in under 90 seconds and the doughnut is free. That may be the best free gastrointestinal malfunction you'll ever experience.
  • "The Magic is in the Hole" Panties. Available in back & pink, it's the perfect gift for that special gal in your life.
  • The Whole Shebang! Wedding Package. That's right folks, round trip airfare to Portland followed by a personal visit to VooDoo Doughnuts for your ceremony, doughnuts and coffee. At least now there's a legitimate reason to tie the knot!!!! I just have one question...... Do they throw in a free pair of "The Magic is in the Hole" panties for the new bride???