Monday, January 12, 2009

VooDoo Doughnuts - What Every Town Needs

I was recently locked in a conference room deeply engrossed in a discussion about something very, very important (I'd share but I can't remember). I was surrounded by a group of intelligent but equally disheartened collegues, trying desperately to avoid frightening everyone with the sound of my head crashing to the table in slumber, when I finally heard someone utter those beautiful words that make every meeting worthwhile -- "I think we whould take a 20 minute bio break". Thank fucking god!!!!

I didn't actually need to use the "bio facilities" so I decided grab a cup of coffee and mill around the conference room to stretch my legs. Incidentally, this is best part of all meetings, not because you can go pee if you need to but because people talk about the most random shit during these breaks. It was this day that I learned about a place called VooDoo Doughnuts in Portland.

I think it started with someone saying they sure could use a Nyquil glazed doughnut. A what??????? Why, yes it's true, there is a little doughnut shop in Portland that offers Nyquil glazed Pepto-Bismo doughnuts. Mmmmm Mmmmmm Good. Of course this warranted an immediate break-time visit to the VooDoo Doughnut website. Sure enough, the smart fellas did indeed invent the Nyquil glazed doughnut. Unfortunately it's currently on hold (I'll bet those fuckers from the FDA had something to do with that). Fortunately, there are numerous other tasty morsels available:
  • The Infamous Voodoo Doughnut
  • The Dirt Doughnut
  • Triple Chocolate Penetration
  • The Dirty Snowball
  • Cock-n-Balls (a bachlorette party favorite)
  • The No Name Doughnut (for those who can't remember shit anyway)
A further perusing of the website revealed more delicious fun:
  • The Annual Cockfest in which local boys get to see how many doughnuts they can stack on their dick every spring. I wonder it they have to eat them afterwards to qualify???
  • The Tex-Ass Challenge - eat a doughnut as big as the state of Tex-ass in under 90 seconds and the doughnut is free. That may be the best free gastrointestinal malfunction you'll ever experience.
  • "The Magic is in the Hole" Panties. Available in back & pink, it's the perfect gift for that special gal in your life.
  • The Whole Shebang! Wedding Package. That's right folks, round trip airfare to Portland followed by a personal visit to VooDoo Doughnuts for your ceremony, doughnuts and coffee. At least now there's a legitimate reason to tie the knot!!!! I just have one question...... Do they throw in a free pair of "The Magic is in the Hole" panties for the new bride???

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